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Apart

I'm beginning to understand that life is incredibly more complex and difficult to navigate than we're given licence to believe earlier in life. As a child, or even as a teenager, everything is put across in such simple terms, you can find your way without ever really putting any effort into things. Of course, I can speak only of my personal experiences here. I've no doubt that some of you who read this will have experienced what I'm going through now much earlier in life. I cannot and will not even pretend to understand how that must have affected you.

My parents are getting divorced.

It occurs that I used to take my parents for granted. Not in terms of gratuitously taking advantage of the fact that they were there, but rather assuming that they were somehow a focal point of the solidarity of existence itself. They were just there, had been since I was born, and part of me expected that to continue indefinitely.

Even as the current proceedings meandered towards inevitability, I had hoped vainly that my relationship with my parents would not suffer. That I could maintain the friendship I shared with both of them throughout and beyond the current mess, and into the new future of two individuals, no longer related, who still happen to be my parents.

It appears now, sadly, that this will not be the case. Inevitably, it seems, money is the driver that tears relationships apart with such consummate ease. Money, the commodity I have taken for granted, then lived without, and now covet myself with what some might term excessive zeal. Money, or at least the want of it, as even I believe the Bible itself says, is the root of all evil.

I cannot rightfully detail more, as it now becomes increasingly difficult to know what I should believe when hearing anything from either parent. Who wants what, and what are they prepared to do to procure it? Who is telling the truth? Is anyone offering it at all?

I suppose there is nothing I can do except stand aside and let the situation resolve itself through the divorce lawyers. Instinct tells me that I can step in and intervene. Somehow resolve the issues and get everyone singing from the same, amicable, tome of hymns. But I know better than to obey the self-indulgence of instinct. So I am left, once again, to watch the bedrock of my life erode beneath my feet. The walls of personal security will soon enough come crashing down, and when the dust settles, I will be living a different life to any that I had ever imagined for myself, and I had imagined a great many things - both good and bad. But this was just not on the cards. It couldn't happen. Not to me.

That this all kicks off just as things were falling into place in my own life really does pull the rug out from under my feet. It seems to happen every time, and I would be foolish not to consider the possibility that life is continually trying to balance events to ensure an equilibrium of general misery. For every two steps I take forward, something comes along to knock me back at least a pace. Such progress is slow and hard, and doubtless takes its toll on my increasingly warped personality. I would trade the pain and confusion of these backward moments in a second if it meant that my life only ever stood still. There is no future to such an existence, and I would be living a pointless and fruitless life, but at least it wouldn't be killing me slowly from the inside.

IB



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Copyright Insane Bartender 2006-07-27 8:17 a.m.

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