So the French manage to turn it around in injury time and win 2-1 against England. The English, as always, need someone to blame. To this end, I have compiled a list of possible scapegoats:

• Michael Owen

Hardly had a kick in the game, and for long periods, I was certain that he wasn't even on the pitch. As the senior striker in the team, he completely lacked any kind of presence, and I must now say that I would prefer to see Darius Vassell starting for england.

• David Beckham

Hasn't done anything for England for three games now, bar one free kick that led to a goal. His penalty against France was awful. Predictably to the 'keeper's right, where he always puts them, but not even nearly far right enough. And the height was just dumb. Easy for the 'keeper to get to. His penalty miss in Turkey could have cost us dearly, and the miss here certainly did. Two penalty misses in a row means it's time for somebody else to be taking them.

• Emile Heskey

Came on the pitch after about 75 minutes, gave the ball away a few times, fell over inexplicably twice, and capped off his performance by needlessly tackling Zidane from behind to gift the French a free kick on the edge of the box in injury time. The rest is history. This donkey should never be allowed to wear the England shirt again.

• Steven Gerrard

Uninspired from the ex-England Talisman. Threw his own mantle away as he provided Thierry Henry with a sweet, world-class through ball into the penalty area. Unfortunately, Stevie forgot that Henry plays for France, and he was kicking the wrong way. The rest is history. What were you thinking?

• Owen Hargreaves

How do you even get a kick for england? You're as bad as Joe Cole. You get the ball, hold it up, encouraging the team to come forward, and instead of distributing it, you then try a few tricks that don't come off, give the ball away, and leave the entire england team backpeddling as France counter-attack. Muppet.

• Sven-Goran Eriksson

Where do we begin? Second half tactics of sitting in the box and waiting for France to come at us were way off the mark. The idea might have been to generate counter-attacks, but it left us playing long-balls which gifted the ball straight back to the French. Taking off Rooney - the best player on the pitch at that point - for Heskey, was a stroke of maginificent ineptitude. The brightest young talent playing well when he needs to being replaced by an inbalanced donkey is beyond stupid. Then substituting Scholes for the incompetent Hargreaves only further stepped down the road from folly to defeat, as the team lost what little cohesion it had, gave the ball away twice as often, and had nothing to offer going forward.

I suppose we deserve this though, after the tabloids forced Eriksson to sign a longer term contract simply because their own speculation was spiralling out of control now means that Eriksson can play crap on purpose for the next 6 years, and the FA can do F'All expect pay him a stupid amount of money to go away and have somebody replace him.

*slow handclap*



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