I'm feeling pretty unforgiving today. Not quite sure why. Perhaps it's the technophobes on the writing community I frequent who are currently wide-eyed and shaking in the knowledge that their forum posts can be found on a a google search, even though the writing they submit as work cannot.

Maybe there is some argument in there that I'm missing, but don't see the problem. I like to write, and I write solely for the pleasure fo writing. I don't have any fatuous ambition to be a published author, however highly anyone rates my work. I enjoy sharing it, and as far as I'm concerned, in the modern era, the most effective way of sharing it is for free. Hence most of the stuff I've ever written is available online, free of charge.

I guess the problem these people have is that they want the fame. They want an agent and a publisher to tell them they're the next Booker Prize winner, and they want their next novel to sell like Harry Potter. In order to keep these dreams alive, their work must be kept secret until they pass it on to an agent.

So why, oh why, post it on the internet in the first place?

Perhaps I'm just being a little too judgemental. I even got a little pissed off with some Manchester United fans last night. I reacted positively to the news that Darren Fletcher was injured. I'm not a great fan of his, you see. I'm entitled to an opinion, just like anyone else, but the abuse I got for my reaction seemed wholly unwarranted.

And so today, beyond the banner sitting atop this page, I'm not doing anything towards the cause of stopping Malcolm Glazer. I'm taking a day off from trawling forums and answering questions about the situation, and persuading people to sign up for the cause.

I just don't have the energy right now. I feel like I'm on a really short fuse, and anything is likely to set me off. The world continues to irritate me. I wonder if I was ever meant for this place to begin with. I'm not compatible with the vast majority of human beings, nor their actions - or lack thereof.

I was found questioning the meaning of my existence once again last night. After receiving Pinnacle Studio Plus v9 for christmas, I've been trying to get it to work for some time now. I've decided that it's not a problem with the software itself, but instead a stubborn refusal from my PC to actually work like it's supposed to. No PC I've ever owned has performed to a satisfactory standard or any length of time, and my misery last night was compounded when, while re-installing some drivers for my camcorder, the PC blue-screened and I had to reboot. Once up again, I was quick to notice that my CD-Writer was not appearing in explorer. On further investigation, the driver for it had corrupted, randomly, for not reason whatsoever.

My DVD player had already died a few weeks before, and since I have neither the driver disk or the manual for the CD-Writer, I have no hope in hell of getting it working again.

So, do I start replacing components? New DVD player, new cd writer, new RAM card, new monitor. Or do I just say fuck it to the worst performing PC I've ever had (thanks Special Reserve, you useless cunts), and just buy a new one, from a more reputable dealer, at an estimated cost of �1,300 ($2,500)?

To be honest, the question became much more deep than I had thought it would. That's a lot of money, either way, and quite frankly, I'm disinclined to spend it. So, I'm left continuing to use something which fails to meet requirements simply because PCs are just too expensive to own and maintain at the high end of performance levels.

So, a self-confessed geek makes the decision to fall away from the high end of technology. But what about the investments I've made? My digital camcorder, bought specifically with the idea in mind of making DVDs of holidays, escapades and parties is left to rot? I spent �800 on the damn thing.

I don't have any fucking money as it is, and I earn the better part of �30,000. I'm learning to drive (which s expensive enough), after which I'm expected to buy a car (which wipes out my savings). After that, I then have to maintain said car, with road tax, insurance, servicing, MOTs, cleaning, petrol and everything else that comes with it.

I'm going to be broke for the rest of my life while earning a veritable fortune. I don't understand this world. Sometimes I just want to say 'fuck it all', and go back to Wales and get some crummy job while living with my parents - a pretty sad state of affairs for someone who turned 26 a few days ago.

I don't know what to do. I work hard enough. I get paid well enough. But I never get to see the fruits of my labour. I'm not exactly hard done for, and I'm not looking for sympathy, but surely, for what I do, and what I get, there must be more to life tan what I'm seeing?

I need direction. I need some way of making my money work for me better than it does now. I need the cost of living to reduce dramatically, and I need my PC to work like a �1,200 PC should do.

I'm really hitting a low here. I have to question whether the life I'm leading is one I can live with. I need to know whether it's worth living at all.

0 message(s) of denial

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