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About Self

Periodically, in life, I've asked myself the question "what do I want"? Today, with my morale once again battered, bleaking my outlook on life, darkening my horizons and eroding my will, I stopped asking myself what I want. I stopped asking myself that question, because it occurs to me that it is of infinitely less value to my ongoing existence than the question of what I need.

I'll come out and say it. I'm not happy. Sure, there are moments of elation. Days, evening or nights of entertainment that bring a smile to my face, and suchlike. But these moments are little more than a short reprieve. Brief sparks of happiness punctuating the vast periods of dissatisfaction, dissapointment and depression.

I hesitate to condone the thought that I was born to suffer, as I still believe very much that every individual can be whatever they make themselves. And this is probably where the heart of my issue lies. I could have, and could yet be so many things. But I've let too many opportunities pass me by, made too many wrong decisions on the basis of ill consideration. I can't turn back the clock. I can't regain the potential I've lost, the moments I missed or the sheer volume of time I have cumulatively frittered away doing nothing when I could have been adding value to my existence. Nor, it seems, do I have the strength, even now, to buck the trend.

It seems I have been content not to actively live my life, but instead to allow fate to lead me by the hand in whatever direction its whim so moves. In some respects, I cannot complain about the outcome of this. But for all I have, or might be percieved as having, it is either not enough, or it is not right.

I've only been able to identify two things that I lack, and the greater of those is motivation. Unfortunately, this alone is crippling enough to ensure that I am unable to leave the status quo.

The other is less important, and I won't bore myself by writing about it here.

What is the bottom line? What is the point of this confession? Who am I? I wish I could answer these questions. I wish I could answer any question more probing than the time of day right now.

I'm in a situation where I can no longer get any further without help. And I'm stubbornly resfusing to listen to any. My perpetual battle with increasingly powerful waves of self-loathing continues apace. I'm starting to wonder if I have the strength to gain any kind of victory anymore.



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Copyright Insane Bartender 2005-05-18 12:47 p.m.

e-mail me: Insane Bartender