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The Apotheosis

For a self-proclaimed black-hearted shell of a human being, I must confess to feeling a great many things from time to time. Is it hypocritical of me to be both empty and full at the same time? Perhaps that I do not often feel the same thing twice exonerates me. Not that I at all mind being a hypocrite.

Regardless of the validity of my own self judgements, the undeniable, indisputable fact of the matter simply is that I have feelings, thoughts and sensations. That I don't feel them in quite the way anyone else I know of does matters little.

It can be something of a rollercoaster. I don't have any apparent control over what I feel, or when. Nor is there any obvious connection between the events of my life and the intensity with which I experience such things.

Yesterday, as happens more often than not, it was the turn of the darkness to rule my thoughts. Life seemed a circular and pointless endeavour. I felt like an ineffectual victim of circumstance, as though greater powers determined the threshold of my existence. Today is somethng of a contrast.

I feel dangerous. I feel as though something courses through my veins which elevates me to a level above the rest of humanity. Something inside me is going to slip away, paving the road for some form of apotheosis, as though I have somehow become suffused with a power no-one has touched in an eternity.

I look down at the people around me - not in my usual manner - as though they are only so many hapless incidentals, wholly incapable of managing the purpose of their very lives. I feel that I could alter those lives significantly with so little as a few anonymous whispers in carefully chosen ears. Lives are easily manipulated, and today I feel the potential, should I choose to manipulate them.

Some day, I may make use of these facts. Some day, I may actively attempt to bend people to my will. But it won't be today.

Because I know that tomorrow, the world will close in, the shadows will take their strangle hold over my heart, and I will all but weep for my inability to change a world so defiled by wrong, that it is doomed to accidental obliteration of an apathetic lack of dissent.

How strange that I should be made to feel these things. All of it is little more than fuel for the ever-spreading fire of my frustration.

I cannot forever stand to be so ineffectual. Someday - maybe soon - something will give. I only pray that when that time comes, I can finally master some control over my feelings. If not, the whole world will feel a rage unleashed like nothing before.



3 message(s) of denial

addie - 2005-06-15 17:58:02

nope, it's not hypocritical, because there are many facets to a person's personality. i have faced those that comprise myself and have thus mastered my self-control, for i fear the same as you, though in a basic sense that few have connevted with. it is will alone that keeps us from being the despicable. i have the aspiration of bending wills, though in the efforts of saving life. i'm sure you know your own facets. get a grip and choose which one you will let be the dominant. everyone has parts of themselves that shame their sense of self, that shock and astound, but you don't have to act out as that self. self-restraint, self-control, whatever you want to call it is what'll get you up and out of this. that and a good support base. life only sucks if you let yourself see it that way. i look forward to a response, ton amie, addie

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Hut - 2005-06-16 08:39:43

Threshold... that word got me. Did you mean it like "border"? I know the word,it is the thing in the door.

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Insane Bartender - 2005-06-16 08:44:23

A curious comment, Hut, and you leave me with no real way to answer your question directly. Yes, I used the word to mean a border.

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Copyright Insane Bartender 2005-06-15 10:10 a.m.

e-mail me: Insane Bartender