I'm no stranger to this feeling of numbness that's envloped me over the past couple of days. I can probably measure my life by the length of time I've sat in this void, with the world passing me by.

My life is rapidly crashing down around my ears, but instead of actively attempting to stop the rot, the hollow vacuum that composes my entire being is unable to lift a finger. All motivation is lost, and while I do understand that changes must be made, I am unable to gear myself to make them.

I needed to book a taxi last night to get me into work this morning. I knew this from the moment I left for work yesterday, and yet I did not call to arrange this while at work. I didn't arrange my taxi while in the taxi home from work. Nor did I do it as soon as I got home. I ate food, I watched TV, I read my book and I browsed the internet. Finally, after spending the better part of half an hour staring at my phone, I forced myself to call up and book the taxi at about 11.30pm.

I just couldn't motivate myself to do it. I can feel I'm once again reaching the point where I start to ask myself why I bother breathing. I feel like I'm trying to swim uphill, and am predictably enough not getting anywhere, and if anything going backwards. What's the point in living this way? I used to have ambitions. I used to have dreams. Most of this has dissolved before my very eyes leaving me with the monotony of normaility.

Though I did get some very good news today, which I won't bore you with. The relief was enough to bring me to tears, which was a surprise. I don't think I've cried in about 5 years, and not for lack of cause. After all my anger and numbness and self-loathing, maybe I'm human after all.

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