Now, before I go off on a rant, I will concede that toilets as we know them are not designed with the concept of the proud man standing over it pissing on it from a great height.

However, you'd think that by the time you got early childhood out of the way, you'd have some proficiency at doing it nonetheless. This is not, apparently, the case. Almost every time I go to the toilet at work for a nice relaxing poo, I have to wipe the spilled urine from either the floor in front of the toilet (to avoid sticking my shoes in it and getting my trousers wet while they sit around my ankles), or the toilet seat, or both.

The toilet seat really pisses me off. I mean for Christ's fucking sake, you surely know you can't piss straight, and that must surely follow that you've learned to lift the toilet seat up (which you should be doing anyway to be honest) to at least give you more of a gap to aim at. But no, oh fucking nooo, that would be too easy, wouldn't it? Then you wouldn't be able to divine immeasurable pleasure hoping that the next poor bastard into the cubicle doesn't look before he drops his unsuspecting backside onto the filth you've left waiting spewed all over the seat.

What kind of retard pisses all over the seat and the floor, and leaves it for the next person to clean up before they can relieve themselves? It's utterly peurile and completely disgusting, and I find that I am now having to remind myself while I remove your squallorous waste that I am, in fact, not a fucking janitor.

The posters littering the walls of the gent's warning us all to wash our hands or risk infection are, I'm afraid, utterly wasted. If these persistent vegetables are incapable of peeing straight, and then finding no fault with the fact that they've completely defied the point of standing over the toilet to piss in the first place, I seriously doubt they'll have the conscience to wash their hands afterwards.

What the fuck next? Will I someday walk in to find urine dripping from the fucking walls? I'm stunned I haven't walked into the toilets to hear whispered murmurs of "and for my next trick, I'll write my name against the door..."

Filthy, repugnant bastards. It's enough to make you feel sick.

IB

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